God smites campus
God punishes attendees of Sex Workers Art Show
Tim May
Issue date: 3/28/08 Section: Goofordian
On Feb. 2, the citizens of Guilford College received a profound education on the politics of sexuality and labor brought by the Sex Workers Art Show. As a result of this performance, many conceptions of gender, health, and sexual promiscuity were transformed and recreated in a positive fashion. However, the beautiful, educated smiles of Guilford students and staff were quickly turned upside down when the Guilford plague returned with a fiery passion to campus.
Within the past couple of weeks, many attendants of the Sex Workers Art Show began to experience nausea, dry mouth, and an extreme lack of motivation to finish their homework. Due to these severe illnesses, many began to speculate about a connection to the plague and the Sex Workers Art Show.
Unfortunately, this connection was true. On March 22, God admitted that the emergence of the plague had everything to do with the Sex Workers Art Show. His anger at Guilford College's decision to celebrate this performance was symbolized in his decision to strategically make all of those who attended as sick as possible.
"Anyone who attended the Sex Workers Art Show is a bad person," said God in a telephone interview. "I mean, come on! How many times do I have to repeat myself? Sex is always a bad thing, and these stupid people who indulge in such filth should be severely punished, which is why I brought the plague. I need to consistently reiterate that the enjoyment of sex will automatically grant you a permanent position in the seventh circle of Hell."
Indeed, Heaven has seemed pretty unattainable in the last month. Both students and faculty have been wandering around campus with green faces, foul breath, and enough coughs and sneezes to put Max Carter in a bad mood. However, unrelenting sickness surrounding campus hit those who were in charge of the Sex Workers Art Show at Guilford.
"This isn't a Public Safety issue, it's a community issue," said Ronald Stowe, director of Public Safety. "We're all impacted by this."
Within the past couple of weeks, many attendants of the Sex Workers Art Show began to experience nausea, dry mouth, and an extreme lack of motivation to finish their homework. Due to these severe illnesses, many began to speculate about a connection to the plague and the Sex Workers Art Show.
Unfortunately, this connection was true. On March 22, God admitted that the emergence of the plague had everything to do with the Sex Workers Art Show. His anger at Guilford College's decision to celebrate this performance was symbolized in his decision to strategically make all of those who attended as sick as possible.
"Anyone who attended the Sex Workers Art Show is a bad person," said God in a telephone interview. "I mean, come on! How many times do I have to repeat myself? Sex is always a bad thing, and these stupid people who indulge in such filth should be severely punished, which is why I brought the plague. I need to consistently reiterate that the enjoyment of sex will automatically grant you a permanent position in the seventh circle of Hell."
Indeed, Heaven has seemed pretty unattainable in the last month. Both students and faculty have been wandering around campus with green faces, foul breath, and enough coughs and sneezes to put Max Carter in a bad mood. However, unrelenting sickness surrounding campus hit those who were in charge of the Sex Workers Art Show at Guilford.
"This isn't a Public Safety issue, it's a community issue," said Ronald Stowe, director of Public Safety. "We're all impacted by this."
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